i should be filled to the brim with complete joy..tyler, myself, morgan, shawn, jen and mouse are getting a three bedroom apartment. we move in febuary first. we are finally free. it feels like it has taken forever, but we're finally in the right spot. but for some reason all i am is angry and depressed. ugh. maybe my chemicals are becoming imbalanced again. but if i smoke, i just feel nothing. i don't know which is better.

oh yeah, and how great is the song 'surfwax america' off of the first weezer album? tyler downloaded the whole blue album the other day and i've fallen in love with weezer again. oh good. seventh grade is coming back. i'm rediscovering a bunch of really awesome music lately.


a richmond trip is going to happen sometime in febuary. i'm excited. we're probably going to end up going up late sunday night after i get off work, staying up all day mondya and coming back late monday night. we'll need a lot of adderall. we have to do it this way because i'm not going to be able to get any days off of work. so lame. asjdfhsadf. i'm stoned. what else is new.

chelsea and i aren't friends anymore. she ditched me every single time we hung out, to go hang out with mike, who she isn't even serious anymore. so i pretty much said 'fuck you, broes before hoes' etc and we don't speak. except shit at work like 'excuse me' 'no sauce' etc. ugh,.

hahaha, i just put surfwax america on repeat.

i think i'm going to go take pictures of stuff today. ...i don't know where to go or anything. i've pretty much hit up all the good places around here way too much.i dunno. pungo? no, not pungo. hmmmmm....i don't know.

ugh. i just want to get in bed and never get out. tyler gets so mad over the dumbest things. yesterday i set up an appointment for us to go look at an apartment and he flipped out because he didnt have time to play videogames with his friends. so that added to my already depressed mood....it dosent matter now anyway, that apartment is taken. i'm so fucking depressed. and i have to go to work today. this isn't going to be fun. i've been so anxious...i wish i still had my xanax prescription. or health insurance so that i could get a xanax prescription. tyler seems so cold lately. he played video games all day yesterday. i got drunk and watched so that i would scream and cry and make a complete ass of myself infront of his friends. where's my fucking attention? i want to jump off a building. the end.

everything is getting back on track again.
we've been searching for apartments. tyler is eligible to file for partial unemployment, because his hours are going back up in a couple months. so in a few weeks we'll have saved up enough money to FINALLY get the fuck out of here. we might get a tiny studio at the oceanfront, which is just one big room, a closet and a bathroom, but i don't care. it'll be great, just me, tyler, and our little kitty, muffin.

things are finally coming back together again.

so in two weeks i will be the only waitress at fortune garden. i'm happy but not, i'll make WAY more money, but i'll be working all the damn time. -shrug-

morgan did my hair yesterday. i look hot, i'm not going to lie.

i resolve to make things better.

woke up to npr ramblings and the alarm. the dreaded alarm. back to work i go today, scurrying around, pleasing consumers, ALWAYS with a smile. don't give them any reason not to tip you, lizzz. always bring out the soup first, THEN and only THEN can you put their order in. working all day for a meager sum and a few lousy tips isn't much of a life, but it's the one that'll have to do for now. in fall, cosmotolegy school will make things seem like it was worth it...i hope. all i want to do is write lately. my notebooks are becomming crammed full of ramblings about life, love, etc. drugs. drugs seem to poke their head into all of them. a ten hour work day for me.

"we are young and oh-so-free"

sleeping all day isn't always as great as you'd think it'd be. i feel like a junkie . it always makes me sleep when i don't have it.

even when it's been weeks and weeks. which is becoming nonexsistent lately. every other night he's exclaiming "i have found the land of milk and honey...and it dosen't even cost that much" and we partake and drink sweet nectar and every touch is velvet for hours.
and then it hurts when the feels subside and all that's wanted is to curl up under the thick pillowtop for hours and never get up again.
and that too, is supposed to fade. but lately it just stays and stay until another visit is made.

but i'm soooo happy when we're there.
it's been the source of all my joy lately.

intoxicate to survive.